Nukes Don't Kill People, People Kill People

Fox News

June 5, 2097

The Democratic Party is currently planning legislation that would restrict citizens' rights to own weapons of mass destruction (WMDs). Democrat Senator A_____, widely known for his extreme anti-nuke views, announced yesterday that he is working on an anti-nuke bill with Secretary of Homeland Security B_____. The bill is expected to be put forward this fall.

"The majority of Americans have made it clear that they want legal restrictions on nuclear weapons. We are considering mandatory training courses, background checks, and secure storage regulations for owners of WMDs," Senator A_____ told the press yesterday at a local charity event.

National Weapons Association vice president C_____ said he is "disappointed and frustated" by the announcement, but not surprised. "We have been expecting this for a while," he told press. "This is nothing more than an attack on civil liberties and the constitution. Left wing politicians are once again trying to confiscate the private property of law abiding citizens."

It has now been more than 50 years since nuclear weapons were authorized to be sold to civilians. "The National Weapons Association was instrumental in making nuclear weapons available to the public. We restored the balance of power between every-day people and their government." NWA spokesperson D_____ told Fox News. "But since the 30s and 40s, the US government has become progressively more powerhungry. And this anti-nuke legislation is the last straw."

America's lack of restrictions on WMDs has come to the limelight recently after the city of Denver, CO was destroyed by militant Nevada rancher E_____ two months ago, killing and injuring nearly 50,000 people. Weapon control advocates have politicized the incident, blaming the tragedy on the open availability of nuclear weapons. But C_____ is not buying it. "Let's be real here. Americans are sick and tired of the government interfering with their private lives. If nukes are to blame for killing people, then pencils are also to blame for misspelling words."

The NWA recently released statistics from 2095 showing that states with more nuclear weapons per capita have lower rates of violent crime. "As we've said time and time again, the statistics don't lie. Nukes make the world a safer place," said C_____. "We are truly blessed to have a well-armed civilian population here in America, because the only thing that stops a bad guy with a nuke is a good guy with a nuke."

Some form of anti-nuke legislation is on its way, but it is sure to be met with significant resistance. This may turn out to be one of the biggest political battles of the 21st century. Only time will tell how successful Senator B_____'s legislation will be.